Memories
by im2old4this
Summary: Unable to face the consequences of his choices, Castiel retreats into Jimmy Novak's memories.
Sunlight filtered through the old oak tree that stood outside their bedroom causing the early morning light to dance across the quilt Amelia's grandmother had presented her and her wedding day. Amelia herself was blissfully sprawled on her back. There was a secret that Jimmy had never told his wife: she snored. Just lightly, just a gentle wheezing noise and only when she was the deepest asleep.

Castiel lay next to the sleeping woman, reliving this bit of Jimmy Novak's memory. This was Castiel's secret. Something he had first started indulging in after his reunion with Claire, and had done more and more since he had been brought back from the Darkness. Hiding away in Jimmy's memories so he wouldn't have to face what he had done.

There was a thudding of feet down the hall and then the bedroom door creaked open. An eight-year-old Claire peeked in. Castiel smiled at the little girl and with that as an invitation, she came bounding into the room, scrambling up into the bed. Amelia grunted, but her lips curled upward, evidence that she was now awake. Claire collapsed with a heavy thump between them.

"Morning, daddy," she said, her blue eyes bright and full of affection.

" _Good morning, Little Star,_ " answered Castiel in Enochian. He felt a deep ache, wishing that this little girl, and the brave woman she had become, really was his own child.

Claire grinned and snuggled against him. It didn't matter if he spoke to them, acted outside of what already happened. It was just a memory, and they would continue to live it out as it had happened for Jimmy.

Claire reached up and patted his face. "Can we have pancakes for breakfast?"

"Yeah, Daddy. Make pancakes," added Amelia, still refusing to open her eyes.

Castiel grinned. "With blueberries?" he repeated Jimmy's line.

Claire grinned in delight. "Yes!"

Castiel pulled himself up and padded to the door way. He glanced back one more time. Claire had rolled over and curled up next to Amelia, and they were both already dozing back off.

 _My queen and my princess_ \- Jimmy had thought all those years ago.

"Hey, Cas?"

Castiel blinked and refocused on the present, at the sunlight streaming through the oak trees that blurred past the Impala's window. He shifted, putting aside Jimmy's memory and barely turning his head to glance at Dean out of the corner of his eye.

"You okay, buddy?" persisted Dean, his eyes darting from the road, to Castiel, and back again.

From the back seat, Castiel could hear Sam snoring softly.

"I am fine, Dean," insisted Castiel, though his voice was dull and unenthusiastic.

Dean pursed his lips, evidently debating whether or not to pressure Cas into talking. It had been weeks now since Dean had dragged a reluctant Castiel "home" to the bunker. Lucifer was gone. Amara was gone. But that hadn't changed anything.

"Cas..."

Castiel purposefully turned his head back to the scenery flashing by. Dean cursed low under his breath.

"Fine..." he growled, reaching over and angrily turning up the volume. Blue Oyster Cult's "Godzilla" blared through the Impala.

"I'm trying to sleep," grumbled Sam from the back seat.

Dean responded by turning the volume up even higher.

"Jerk..."

Dean didn't respond with his usual line, but glared determinedly at the road ahead of him.

Sam sighed, clearly fed up with the two friends, but not saying anything. Castiel hunched slightly, retreating back into Jimmy's memories, this one where the Novaks had gone horse-back riding during a summer vacation to the Appalachian mountains. Jimmy's horse had bit him.

The feeling of the Impala slowing dragged Castiel back. Dean was turning into the parking lot of a family diner. A glance in the rear-view mirror showed Cas that Sam was now sitting up and nervously running his fingers through his hair. There was a young woman waiting out front for them. She was running her hands over a deep green cardigan, smoothing out nonexistent wrinkles.

"Eileen!" greeted Sam, as he launched out of the back of the Impala before Dean had even put the car in park. His hands danced awkwardly as he fumbled through his signed "hello".

Castiel couldn't help it; his eyes darted towards Dean and their eyes met, a quick, silent communication. An action they had shared a thousand times before. Dean's lips quirked up and he waggled his eyebrows suggestively as he tilted his head towards his brother and the other hunter. Castiel almost smiled back. Then the guilt slammed into his gut. He had let Lucifer out of the cage. He didn't deserve either of the brother's friendship. His eyes dropped and he moved to open the door. A hand on his arm stopped him.

"You know eventually you're going to have to talk to me, Cas..." Dean commanded, his voice quietly pleading.

But there would be no going back to what they had once shared. Castiel had ruined it the moment he told Lucifer "yes". He had messed up one too many times. He couldn't ask for Dean's forgiveness. Not again. "We have a hunt," he stated dully, pulling away and exiting the car. He shut the door on Dean's exasperated sigh.

Then he was going through the motions, politely signing _Hello, I am Castiel_ , much to Eileen's pleasure. He only half-listened as she caught him and the brothers up to date on the hunt – and her suspicion that Washington Irving's infamous Headless Horseman was a very real _dullahan_ and was very much still stirring up trouble. There was burnt coffee, greasy food, and planning at the diner, Eileen and Sam exchanging glances, Dean's pointedly asking how many rooms they were going to need as they checked in at the little B &B down the road, jokes and arguments, questioning the locals. Castiel was only physically present. Inside, he was years away, reliving his vessel's happiest memories in a time where he wasn't there.


End file.
